Catch up and creating stuff

Has it really been over a month since my last post? Well, in my defense May is a crazy month for us, several birthday's, mothers day, and a holiday weekend. Can you blame a girl for being absent minded? But I haven't been slacking off, I've been creating several new learning toys and getting school stuff together and home organizational stuff. This summer is set to be a lot of fun- Maddy is very active in dance class and gymnastics class. We are finishing up her first year of soccer (possibly her last, haha). So here's some stuff I've been working on:
- Home chores/ homeschool prep chart
- Popsicle stick counting
- Phonics matching
- Bead counting in ice cube trays
- Our daily board and Calendar
- Our library area
- New to us pocket activity chart

I will follow up in individual posts for these things so it's not overload.

Basically, we're still alive and thriving, God is so good and we are beyond blessed in our happiness.

40 days of Lent.... What I'm up to...

So although I'm not catholic I was given the opportunity to look at lent outside of catholicism last year. I decided that lent in fact does not just have to be for catholics, or really just for this one set time frame. If at anytime I feel that something is distracting me from God's presence in my life, or an area that He has placed a greater need for on my heart- I in fact can observe the act of lent at anytime. This being said- for now I'm doing it at the same time as others. Last year was my first and I just went all in- I chose an area that I knew I would be able to feel the impact daily. music. Oh how I love music. I was pretty good at mixing up genres regularly but I definitely liked secular stuff a lot. So that's what I gave up- secular music for 40 days. I only listened to christian or classical (during those nice hot baths). I thought it would be hard, I was SO wrong. It was amazing. so amazing. By allowing a huge area that I enjoyed to be solely focused on praising God and remembering His goodness I found myself seeking music more and more. I discovered new artists, new songs and new depths of worship. I watched less tv and sung more. I sought meanings to music, and the scripture it originated from. I sought to experience God more- and I DID! Now that it's been a year I can't believe how much time I used to spend listening to secular music. The topics I'd let fill my mind or the lyrics I'd repeat without even thinking about them. Not that I'm condemning all secular music- I still listen to it and still have a lot of favorites. But I pay closer attention to the subject and lyrics, also to how the music makes me feel, what emotions it evokes and where it leads me. Angry music in fact fuels my anger, attitude songs tend to give me an attitude, love songs make me think of my husband... and so on. I'm also very aware of what my daughter listens to and now assert more control over what she's exposed to. I explain lyrics to her and why we sing praise to God. I still seek Him- and He still shows up every single time.
Given how much last years choice affected me I have put a lot of thought into what I want to "give up" this year. I'm in a different place in my life than last year. At this time last year I was working 5 days a week and had so much time in the car so music was something I had plenty of time to feel the change from. With that in mind, and my walk intensifying as it is I've decided to give up something that is a precious gift taken for granted daily. My time.
What do I mean? I mean that I'm giving God more of my time. This is happening in a few ways. Because I seek a deeper walk with Him and I'm so hungry for more of His truth and how to apply it to my life I've decided to commit to a few things.
1. Finishing the book I'm currently reading- The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace. I am 3/4 through and it is rocking my views of being a godly wife. I've also recently found a study guide for it and I'm going to go back and work through it.
2. Read the 2 new books I just recently purchased (yes I'm addicted to half price books).
   - The Strategy of Satan by Warren W. Wiersbe. This caught my eye on the shelf as I have observed satan attacking a few people I know of and have felt him in my own before.
   - Husbands Who Won't Lead and Wives that Won't Follow- by James Walker. This one is a little hard for me to admit that I'm reading. But this is the reality of where we are at right now. I'm earnestly seeking ways to improve my role as a wife. To allow God to make me the best help mate that my husband could have. In seeking this I must acknowledge that surely there are area's that I'm struggling in.
3. Watching 3 series from Keystone Church before we started attending. Right now I'm downloading the following series : Taste and See- 2 videos (learning to experience the Bible as the LIVING word of God).
Seven Churches- 6 videos (unlocking the church according to the Bible). Jesus Loves- 6 videos (how God loves even the worst of us and me at my worst). This is actually just the start- I have several other series I'd like to view, including: High Fidelity (on marriage), This Preacher Likes to Dance (on how to have the abundant life God sent to us through your church) and Loosing My Religion (all about how church has become a dead place and how to fight against it). Ok those are my summaries... if you'd like to look into any of these or follow them with me check out www.keystonechurch.com.
4. Keep a prayer journal and a "He speaks to me" journal. So the prayer journal is pretty self explanatory- I'm not planning on writing out my prayers- just the things, people, situations, etc. that I'm praying for and any movement I see in those areas. The "He speaks to me" journal is for recording areas that I need to remember daily that He spoke to me. Jesus Christ is everywhere in my life right now- I feel Him overflowing out of my heart and I'm working on becoming more aware of all He does around me, for me, inside of me.

So there's the plan. All written out it may seem like a lot- but luckily- God's given me a lot of time. Being a stay at home mom is such a blessing. Since my daughter goes to bed @ 9 and I'm up til 12ish that gives me plenty of time to embrace this commitment. I'm so excited to see who I am on the other side of these next 40 days. Praise be to the Holy Father for working in my life and inspiring me to seek Him more. He has placed such a hunger inside of me and I'm truly praying it is never satiated. This hunger fuels me- and each step I take closer to Him feels like leaps and bounds from the person I used to be. He is truly creating in me a new being and it's wonderful. Won't you please pray for me during this time. Thanks :o)

And then came Sunday

If elated would best describe my feelings writing that last post, then..... defeated, would probably sum up my feelings writing this one. As my luck goes, and time has proven this to be true, wouldn't you know it but on Sunday I started spotting. and cramping. I immediately put myself on bed rest, stopping on the way home from church only for another pregnancy test. It was so barely positive that anyone less experienced at reading those things would have thought it was negative for sure. I panicked, I cried, I plead and I prayed. Then I hung around in bed with a dear friend and ate (shared) 2 different types of ice cream sundaes, playing the what if game and trying to find rest in the Lord. I stopped bleeding late that night and finally fell asleep after midnight.
Then I awoke at 4:32 am (yea, it's a time you don't forget..) to find very large amounts of blood and clots signaling, undoubtedly, the start of (another) miscarriage. Que massive amounts of tears. After seeing my doc that Monday and getting blood work results it was confirmed (as if a woman doesn't know her own body right?) to be a miscarriage. So where do I go from there?

Well, I had 2 choices, as you generally do in life, in every circumstance, draw near to God, or push Him away. I've done enough of the latter in my life to know that it is never the wise choice and that inevitably I'm going to come to my senses and crawl back to my Savior. However, knowing the correct choice and skipping along happily to it, are two very different things. Just because I know that the best medicine for a broken heart is the Healer doesn't mean I'm happy to request His services. Yes, I'm admitting it, I'm still broken (SHOCKER!). I spent alot of time reliving the prior 11 days, remembering the emotions and all the joy we felt in telling people. (as my luck would also have it, we had bodly announced the pregnancy to our entire world, a.k.a. facebook, the day before.)  So now we had to do this complete about face and turn joy into sadness and heart swell into heartache.... or did we? Here's where "walk by faith" and "count it all joy" can get tricky.
In my miscarriage, God was no less powerful, no less able to complete a good work or off schedule. He still was my Most High, my mighty fortress and the on time God He has always been. I just didn't realize His work, being done through this pregnancy, would be so short. In truth, the 10 days we were able to relish being pregnant were a mighty gift in themself. God did not have to bless us with those precious days. He did not have to plant a small life in my womb and let me experience that love again. God didn't, doesn't, will never, owe me a single thing. He gave me the only gift I ever needed on Calvary. So, with that being remembered, we have taken the lighter path of drawing closer to Him.
I recently posted about my new gift (again from HIM that I did NOT deserve) of being able to abide in Him in the waiting to get pregnant. I am still able to abide in Him, the scenery is just different. I'm no less abiding in Him through a miscarriage as I was in the wait. I am firmly planted at the seat of His throne taking in the healing that only comes from being near the Healer. The very presence of Him in my heart and soul has been quietly calming my fear, doubt, anger and anguish since the moment this sweet pregnancy began to end.
And again, He left me with another gift, He's so amazing to continuously do this, I have the joy in anticipating the next pregnancy He will bless me with, and knowing that He already has that life planned out. I do not question IF I will get pregnant again, I only look forward to WHEN. I'm so thankful to have received such nourishing support from so many sweet people in our lives. God truly sent words through so many friends and family that He knew we would need to hear. This is a process, and we are fully aware that it takes time. Just last night while settling into bed I quietly whispered to my husband, "I just can't believe I'm really not pregnant anymore", and he just sweetly said, "I know, me either". I'm going to struggle at times to want a reason, God knows the reason and that's enough for me, and to wish that things went differently, who wouldn't want a life to still be growing inside of them? But I'm not battling God for my life, it's HIS and HIS alone.

Cause that's how God works...

I can't believe how awesome God's timing is, how perfect and mysterious. I recently wrote about the 1year anniversary from our ectopic pregnancy loss. I can recall the peace I had writing about the waiting being part of the journey and how thankful I am for my new found ability to truly abide in Him. And then less than a week later I find out... I'm pregnant. That's right, you read it correctly.. p.r.e.g.n.a.n.t!!!!!!!!! Not only was I already pregnant while writing that post, I was also already pregnant when I wrote my desire to be, on a card at church and turned it in as my 1 thing I wanted to give to God in 2011. Seriously... HE BLOWS MY MIND! His precious timing is crazy. The way the circumstances encircled this pregnancy can only confirm that God has a plan WAY better than anything we could ever imagine for ourselves. That His timing is for a purpose and that He hears us even when He doesn't answer us immediately. Our ectopic loss last year was all in preparation for this pregnancy today.

Given our loss in the past we are still a little guarded in this pregnancy. I am certainly not holding it at arms length, in fact, just the opposite. I am clinging to the truth that God knows this child's life already and has a plan for it as much as for the rest of us. I believe in His ability to start and complete anything. He is more than able to turn my previous pain into a fantastic fresh start, it's in Him and Him alone that I am placing my faith and trust.

I did go see a new OB yesterday. Due to previous situations I do not care to return to my last OB/GYN so when I began the search for a new one, I decided to just try the one that works with midwives in the area, considering we are seriously looking into using a midwife anyways. (more on that another time) While at the OB I had a sonogram and routine blood work. I go back Monday for repeat blood work just to compare the HCG levels. Since I've had a previous ectopic I am now at a high risk for another ectopic so I get watched closely until its determined I'm not ectopic. Sounds FUN huh? The sono didn't show anything in my uterus except for alot of thickening. I am too early to let that be a bad thing, at this point there's a 50/50 chance to see anything. However, my ovaries looked good and there was no sign of a cyst on either one this time, which is a good sign since that's what blocked my pregnancy last time making it become ectopic. (thank you pcos)

So with that little bit of good news we left and are in a holding pattern until labs come back. Depending on the #'s the doc will set our next appointment and sono. If they are low enough to make not seeing anything ok then all is well, if they were high enough that I should have been showing by now then we will have to consider bad things. I for one, having knowledge of my cycle, ovulation pattern and sex life, believe I am earlier than what my LMP says and that all is well. I have been having definite signs of pregnancy (frequent urination, tender breasts, major heartburn, good center cramping and side twinges, and a few other good signs.) Not to mention the 3 consecutive hpt's that show progressive darker positives over 8 days. Yes I am that person that needs several positive tests.

So after all that info let's get to the exciting, fun pregnancy stuff... baby planning!! Given my LMP my tentative due date is Sept 20-21st. That kinda stinks because it's right in the heat of Texas' worst and means I'll be biggest during our 100+ degree days... but I'll take it. We have, long before positive test, decided that we are going to find out the sex of the baby but not share the name until birth. We know that we (ok mostly me) are just too curious and would fail at not finding out the sex, so what's the point. But I do like having the private name for 9 months and then surprise it's  ____ _____ ! Ok so only the first name is going to be a secret- the 2 middle names will be known and obviously the last name. duh. We are already day dreaming about having a newborn in our new apartment (which will accommodate nicely) and remembering the joys of it all. Maddy is absolutely thrilled to be a big sister.. although it took a lot of convincing to get her to understand that it doesn't matter if it's a boy or girl she's a big sister either way. She really didn't wanna be a brother-- TOO CUTE.

We have been thankful to get great support from most of the people in our lives. Those that aren't there yet just don't understand that we have complete faith in God and His plan for our life, even if it doesn't make sense to the rest of the world. Yes, more money would always pay bills better, but God hasn't stopped providing once. True, if I weighed less I might have an easier pregnancy, but I weigh what I weigh and that doesn't mean I shouldn't be allowed to bear a child. Of course more space to live in would give everyone more room, but only in America do we think we need hundreds of square feet for each person, especially when we almost always end up within arms length from one another. Clearly 2 cars would make things easier on us, but we are blessed with 1 reliable vehicle and a flexible schedule that allows for better planning-- not to say someone isn't welcome to drop off a car at our apartment,lol. These are all valid excuses to not have another baby right now. But they aren't reasons for us and shouldn't keep other people from being excited for us. Who isn't thankful for a new life being born into a God fearing, Christ centered house with 2 parents, married and of opposite sex? *dismounting soapbox.

So this is our news, this is God's story for our life right now, and we are shouting Yes Lord!! Whatever may come- we declare this moment- a joy for this unborn baby.

Time does NOT heal all wounds

I might as well begin this post by admitting that I am guilty of using the "time heals all wounds" cliche a time or two in my life. My only excuse is that perhaps, for sure, I must not have had any wound that was of a serious nature. Now with this stage of my life, and all the experiences I've had, I can 100% say without any doubt that time in fact does NOT heal all wounds. Before you think I sound awfully Debbie downer let me finish. I was not shocked and in despair to have the epiphany that time isn't capable of such wonderful healing. Perhaps I would have been if that was all I had realized, or if I had realized it because of a long suffering hurt I'd been inflicted with. But neither of those are true. I came to the realization that time isn't the giver of relief or healing because I experienced true, complete, rejoicing in the glory, healing that came from giving my hurt and pain to the Lord.
No, it's not easy, and yes, there are moments of weakness that I rip control from Him and selfishly hold onto it for a while. Then I usually* wise up and gladly give back the reigns and go back to the peace that comes from knowing He has it all under control.

So why am I writing about wounds you may ask?? Well few knew, but yesterday was in fact the 1 yr anniversary from my ectopic pregnancy loss. On one hand I can't believe that its been a year. It felt like time had stopped when I came home from the hospital no longer pregnant, dreams shattered, scars left physically and emotionally. But on the other it was a relief knowing that time continued and I had been able to pick myself up and carry on knowing that God had whispered His love and perfect timing into my soul and I was able to not drown in the tears I felt consumed by last year.

This doesn't mean I don't see babies the age ours should would have been and feel like I've been punched in the gut. Or when I see a pregnant woman I envy them, or in my ugliest moments- don't want to be around them. (what's the point in being personal if I'm not being completely honest too, right?)

I'm not saying yesterday wasn't a painful reminder of somewhere I've been. But it was a chance to note where I'm at and to realize that they are not the same. Can I just say, hello freedom! If I'm going to talk about how far I've come then I can only turn it into how far He's brought me. The truth is I may not have a baby, ok obviously I don't or I wouldn't be writing this, but God did not leave me empty handed. I have been given peace, faith, support, love, desire for His will over mine (even when mine seems* a lot less painful) and the satisfaction that it is ok to want something but not receive it and that my devotion to Him is in no way dependent upon His fulfillment of my wants. I have found a sweet, precious desire to tell my soul to wait, and to know that the wait is already a part of my journey to having another child. In this loss I was given the ability to abide in Him and although I LOVE being a mother, if all I ever have is that- I'm set.

My 2011 Goals

I'm not a big fan of New Years Resolutions. Generally speaking, they seem kinda lame and only fueled by the year change and not a personal change... at least that's what I've experienced. This leaves me with a desire to make some changes for the next year without wanting to "declare my resolutions". I do enjoy reflecting on the previous years experiences and trying to think of areas I can make changes that would help me grow in my walk with the Lord and better me as a person. Some of them are shallow and more like bad habits I need to break. Others are deeper, more fundamental areas I need to improve upon. All this being said- Here are some things I've decided I need to implement into my life (not just because it's a new year but because it's always good to be looking for ways to improve yourself.) These are in no specific order.

1. Spend more time in the Word, make quiet time a priority. Read and apply.

2. Get on a daily schedule. Make good use of the day and take joy in the job God has called me to.

3. Take better care of myself physically, get healthy.

I'm sure there are more to come later. This is a good start for now.

10th times a charm?

After a fantastic Christmas with all our family we moved for the 10th time in our marriage. For those counting- that's 10 times in 6 years, 4 of which were this year alone. Yeah, 2010 has been... interesting. We started looking for somewhere last Saturday and found an ad on craigslist for an apartment complex that I have always liked but we could never afford. Well, they had a big Christmas special going for their 2 bedroom that was too good to be true. We went and saw it Sunday, loved it and started the application process Monday. We signed the lease and set our move in date for Dec 26th. No we didn't move that day, we were in Plano visiting my dad and Linda, but we did start the next day. We are about 85% moved in and about 70% unpacked. It's going good, I'm excited about finally feeling like home in my own space again. It was such a blessing to be able to stay with my mom and step dad so we didn't have to rush into anything, and another blessing that we were able to find this deal and start fresh on our own again. I will post pics once we're all done moving in and decorated. 

Is it really November already?

Well, we are all moved into storage and my moms house. Our apartment is officially not "ours" anymore. I am finally at a place of contentment over this "no control of the situation" situation I'm in right now. I'm learning to be still and wait upon the Lord for His direction and His timing. I have very recently and quite strongly felt Him whispering "stop rushing me" to me... and I'm so glad I chose to obey and chill out. I've come to enjoy "not knowing what the plan is" and "having NO idea where we will live next." Not that it's fun and enjoyable to feel those things, but the freedom from letting those burden me is very joyful! I am finding satisfaction in God's provision being different than what I would have liked it to be. I'm looking for new opportunities to show His love and His light in our current circumstances. I don't feel embarrassed to tell people that we are living with my mom right now, nor do I feel the need to justify why we are doing it. Truth is, a few weeks ago- I was completely beaten down and feeling forsaken by God... and then suddenly it hit me. Why do I think He's forsaken me just because He isn't giving me my way? How much does that sound like a 3yr old temper tantrum?? That was a H U G E ah-ha moment for me. How can I be professing His perfect timing when I'm stomping my feet at him in protest of his schedule for me? What use is it to tell others that He works all things for my good when I'm secretly arguing/begging him to make my circumstances better. How does that attitude reflect my belief if the word ALL in that statement/scripture? I tell ya- it's been an eye opening few weeks for me. I heard a great piece of truth the other day and it really summed it up for me- it was simply this- God isn't as interested in changing our circumstances as He is in allowing our circumstances to change us. !!! Simple, to the point and yet profound for me. I realized that if I would quit fighting to get out of my circumstances that I could start finding all that I'm supposed to get out of them. Wow- what a great end to those few tumultuous weeks. God truly is good ALL the time! Amen!

Now on to what's going on in November..... and it's ALOT! We have a few birthday parties to attend- 1 to host for my sweet Maddy Moo that's turning 4. We have family coming into town, thanksgiving to celebrate, Christmas shopping/crafting to do, doctor and dentist appointments, Maddy's first dance recital and general enjoyment of the season all to get done in November. Phew- tired yet? While we are finally adjusted to living at my moms I have really been slacking on the homeschooling stuff... and I'm painfully aware that I really need to get back on track. Not that I feel like Maddy's education is being neglected but mostly that I'm missing opportunities to start a good foundation for her routine that we will need once she's in full school gear. I'm committing to starting next Monday- November 8th- to getting back on track. One thing that is going to have to get under control is all my time spent out and about running around. I love play dates and interacting with all my sweet friends but I am bad about using them as excuses to not do work that day. So since I'm fully aware that I have no intention to stop seeing my friends (I'm not losing my sanity!) I need to incorporate lessons into that time. Who says we can't take supplies and do a project with our friends? or go on an educational outing with someone for a play date? So that's the plan. Instead of changing our lives for homeschooling we are going to invite our homeschooling into our lives. Let's hope everyone can play nice :o)

Well that's whats crack-a-lackin in my world. I've got alot to get going on so I better hit it. Hope everyone has a blessed Thankful November and takes a few moments each day to remember what's most important!

New Plans

So this time last week I was rockin and rollin on the to do list I posted before... then Friday morning we found a notice in our door that our apartments were letting my husband go from his courtesy officer position and giving us a month to move out!!!!!!!!!!! Ya, shock and disbelief. So with our world turned upside down, and the realization that we can't afford to move somewhere decent with our current budget, we've decided to move in with my mom and step dad til January. Why January you ask??? Well we are making some changes to my husbands deductions from his check and we will have more $ coming home starting January. We are extremely thankful that the Lord has provided an alternative that works well for all of us. Not to mention how grateful we are to my family for offering up space in their home for us. So that is our new plan for the rest of this year. We also have Maddy's 4th birthday coming up next month and then there's Christmas. Woohooo!