And then came Sunday

If elated would best describe my feelings writing that last post, then..... defeated, would probably sum up my feelings writing this one. As my luck goes, and time has proven this to be true, wouldn't you know it but on Sunday I started spotting. and cramping. I immediately put myself on bed rest, stopping on the way home from church only for another pregnancy test. It was so barely positive that anyone less experienced at reading those things would have thought it was negative for sure. I panicked, I cried, I plead and I prayed. Then I hung around in bed with a dear friend and ate (shared) 2 different types of ice cream sundaes, playing the what if game and trying to find rest in the Lord. I stopped bleeding late that night and finally fell asleep after midnight.
Then I awoke at 4:32 am (yea, it's a time you don't forget..) to find very large amounts of blood and clots signaling, undoubtedly, the start of (another) miscarriage. Que massive amounts of tears. After seeing my doc that Monday and getting blood work results it was confirmed (as if a woman doesn't know her own body right?) to be a miscarriage. So where do I go from there?

Well, I had 2 choices, as you generally do in life, in every circumstance, draw near to God, or push Him away. I've done enough of the latter in my life to know that it is never the wise choice and that inevitably I'm going to come to my senses and crawl back to my Savior. However, knowing the correct choice and skipping along happily to it, are two very different things. Just because I know that the best medicine for a broken heart is the Healer doesn't mean I'm happy to request His services. Yes, I'm admitting it, I'm still broken (SHOCKER!). I spent alot of time reliving the prior 11 days, remembering the emotions and all the joy we felt in telling people. (as my luck would also have it, we had bodly announced the pregnancy to our entire world, a.k.a. facebook, the day before.)  So now we had to do this complete about face and turn joy into sadness and heart swell into heartache.... or did we? Here's where "walk by faith" and "count it all joy" can get tricky.
In my miscarriage, God was no less powerful, no less able to complete a good work or off schedule. He still was my Most High, my mighty fortress and the on time God He has always been. I just didn't realize His work, being done through this pregnancy, would be so short. In truth, the 10 days we were able to relish being pregnant were a mighty gift in themself. God did not have to bless us with those precious days. He did not have to plant a small life in my womb and let me experience that love again. God didn't, doesn't, will never, owe me a single thing. He gave me the only gift I ever needed on Calvary. So, with that being remembered, we have taken the lighter path of drawing closer to Him.
I recently posted about my new gift (again from HIM that I did NOT deserve) of being able to abide in Him in the waiting to get pregnant. I am still able to abide in Him, the scenery is just different. I'm no less abiding in Him through a miscarriage as I was in the wait. I am firmly planted at the seat of His throne taking in the healing that only comes from being near the Healer. The very presence of Him in my heart and soul has been quietly calming my fear, doubt, anger and anguish since the moment this sweet pregnancy began to end.
And again, He left me with another gift, He's so amazing to continuously do this, I have the joy in anticipating the next pregnancy He will bless me with, and knowing that He already has that life planned out. I do not question IF I will get pregnant again, I only look forward to WHEN. I'm so thankful to have received such nourishing support from so many sweet people in our lives. God truly sent words through so many friends and family that He knew we would need to hear. This is a process, and we are fully aware that it takes time. Just last night while settling into bed I quietly whispered to my husband, "I just can't believe I'm really not pregnant anymore", and he just sweetly said, "I know, me either". I'm going to struggle at times to want a reason, God knows the reason and that's enough for me, and to wish that things went differently, who wouldn't want a life to still be growing inside of them? But I'm not battling God for my life, it's HIS and HIS alone.

Cause that's how God works...

I can't believe how awesome God's timing is, how perfect and mysterious. I recently wrote about the 1year anniversary from our ectopic pregnancy loss. I can recall the peace I had writing about the waiting being part of the journey and how thankful I am for my new found ability to truly abide in Him. And then less than a week later I find out... I'm pregnant. That's right, you read it correctly.. p.r.e.g.n.a.n.t!!!!!!!!! Not only was I already pregnant while writing that post, I was also already pregnant when I wrote my desire to be, on a card at church and turned it in as my 1 thing I wanted to give to God in 2011. Seriously... HE BLOWS MY MIND! His precious timing is crazy. The way the circumstances encircled this pregnancy can only confirm that God has a plan WAY better than anything we could ever imagine for ourselves. That His timing is for a purpose and that He hears us even when He doesn't answer us immediately. Our ectopic loss last year was all in preparation for this pregnancy today.

Given our loss in the past we are still a little guarded in this pregnancy. I am certainly not holding it at arms length, in fact, just the opposite. I am clinging to the truth that God knows this child's life already and has a plan for it as much as for the rest of us. I believe in His ability to start and complete anything. He is more than able to turn my previous pain into a fantastic fresh start, it's in Him and Him alone that I am placing my faith and trust.

I did go see a new OB yesterday. Due to previous situations I do not care to return to my last OB/GYN so when I began the search for a new one, I decided to just try the one that works with midwives in the area, considering we are seriously looking into using a midwife anyways. (more on that another time) While at the OB I had a sonogram and routine blood work. I go back Monday for repeat blood work just to compare the HCG levels. Since I've had a previous ectopic I am now at a high risk for another ectopic so I get watched closely until its determined I'm not ectopic. Sounds FUN huh? The sono didn't show anything in my uterus except for alot of thickening. I am too early to let that be a bad thing, at this point there's a 50/50 chance to see anything. However, my ovaries looked good and there was no sign of a cyst on either one this time, which is a good sign since that's what blocked my pregnancy last time making it become ectopic. (thank you pcos)

So with that little bit of good news we left and are in a holding pattern until labs come back. Depending on the #'s the doc will set our next appointment and sono. If they are low enough to make not seeing anything ok then all is well, if they were high enough that I should have been showing by now then we will have to consider bad things. I for one, having knowledge of my cycle, ovulation pattern and sex life, believe I am earlier than what my LMP says and that all is well. I have been having definite signs of pregnancy (frequent urination, tender breasts, major heartburn, good center cramping and side twinges, and a few other good signs.) Not to mention the 3 consecutive hpt's that show progressive darker positives over 8 days. Yes I am that person that needs several positive tests.

So after all that info let's get to the exciting, fun pregnancy stuff... baby planning!! Given my LMP my tentative due date is Sept 20-21st. That kinda stinks because it's right in the heat of Texas' worst and means I'll be biggest during our 100+ degree days... but I'll take it. We have, long before positive test, decided that we are going to find out the sex of the baby but not share the name until birth. We know that we (ok mostly me) are just too curious and would fail at not finding out the sex, so what's the point. But I do like having the private name for 9 months and then surprise it's  ____ _____ ! Ok so only the first name is going to be a secret- the 2 middle names will be known and obviously the last name. duh. We are already day dreaming about having a newborn in our new apartment (which will accommodate nicely) and remembering the joys of it all. Maddy is absolutely thrilled to be a big sister.. although it took a lot of convincing to get her to understand that it doesn't matter if it's a boy or girl she's a big sister either way. She really didn't wanna be a brother-- TOO CUTE.

We have been thankful to get great support from most of the people in our lives. Those that aren't there yet just don't understand that we have complete faith in God and His plan for our life, even if it doesn't make sense to the rest of the world. Yes, more money would always pay bills better, but God hasn't stopped providing once. True, if I weighed less I might have an easier pregnancy, but I weigh what I weigh and that doesn't mean I shouldn't be allowed to bear a child. Of course more space to live in would give everyone more room, but only in America do we think we need hundreds of square feet for each person, especially when we almost always end up within arms length from one another. Clearly 2 cars would make things easier on us, but we are blessed with 1 reliable vehicle and a flexible schedule that allows for better planning-- not to say someone isn't welcome to drop off a car at our apartment,lol. These are all valid excuses to not have another baby right now. But they aren't reasons for us and shouldn't keep other people from being excited for us. Who isn't thankful for a new life being born into a God fearing, Christ centered house with 2 parents, married and of opposite sex? *dismounting soapbox.

So this is our news, this is God's story for our life right now, and we are shouting Yes Lord!! Whatever may come- we declare this moment- a joy for this unborn baby.