Well~ it's official my daughter is now 1 year old and it just doesn't seem possible. We went to our churches first thanksgiving last night and they were passing the mike around for people to give praise or thanks for something. I really wanted to speak because I have so much to be thankful for but I knew I'd get emotional and embarrassed- I'm just not comfortable enough I guess. But that doesn't mean I don't want to give my thanks, so here I go....
This time last year we had been blessed with a beautiful baby girl from the Lord. However, with her came a mighty challenge for all who were to love her. I remember so clearly the confusion that swirled in my head as I held my gift and thought " but God, she isn't complete". I could not see past the obvious flaw to see what a true gift the Lord had given my family~ the chance to reevaluate what's important and to learn true beauty is on the inside. It is almost like being right back in the moment just thinking about it. We felt this huge mountain in front of us and our healthy child was on the other side just waiting for our open arms. While Marc was trying to be my strength and stay positive, I was secretly hating myself for now twice being unsuccessful in bearing a child. Although we still had her I was too focused on the defect instead of the perfect. I would hold her in our special moments and question if others would ever love her the way she is, or if the world would be so cruel as I feared. Thanksgiving last year was a hard one for me to swallow~ though I should have- I felt no joy in the event.
Day by day as we started her treatment I slowly slipped further into my self hate for what I had done to her~ no one could convince me it wasn't my fault. It's funny how "the Lord's will" can be the last thing you want to hear. But it was. Every time I had to hold her down to put her appliance in and tape her sweet lips together was, in my eyes, a punishment that I deserved. Sure I smiled and nodded in agreement when anyone would try to cheer me up or keep positive but I knew I deserved everything I was getting. I never let Marc do any of the treatment stuff- that wasn't his fault- I hogged all the shame.
When it came time for her surgery...I walked in a daze of fear. Although I was putting her into God's hands- I secretly clung to her, wanting to be in control over everything. As Marc pushed me down the hall to hand off our sweet child I wept for her safety. Once she was safely in the nurse's arms, fast asleep mind you, I collapsed- I literally could not breath without her. I've never felt such physical pain so deep in my heart, I had no idea what to do. As the hours ticked away miserably slow- I crept in to the hall and into my thoughts. "Please Lord, watch over her and let her come out safely" as my family chatted away at everyday things to pass the time- I buried into prayer- it was all I had at this point. ...... When the dr. came out and said everything went well- some weight was lifted and I slowly felt myself breath. The moment I was able to see her was excruciating...she was bloody and swollen, she did not look like my sweet Madalyn Grace. I again felt the floor drop from under me as I told the nurse "this is not my child- what did they do??" Once they placed her into my arms I was whole again- I found myself thinking.."How many parents get to hold their child and fall in love with their face twice!" She was beautiful!
The next few weeks were hard....but not as hard as I had prepared for...I slowly was letting go of my hold on things and giving them up to God. I guess I really was just realizing that He had had everything under control to begin with. The days turned into weeks and they turned into months and she was released from medical supervision healthy and on her way to a full recovery. Her scar will be fully healed in March, but my scar was fully healed long ago.
I had to let go of my selfish thoughts and desired and realize that it's true- The Lord's will is always a better path- not easier but better. And so this year I get to fully enjoy my thanksgiving- Knowing I have last year to make up for. Although we have another surgery early next year- I am ready for whatever the Lord brings my way. I have thrown out my doubts and fear- now I finally get what has been there all along- I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Wow. I wish I had this kind of strength in Him. Thank you for sharing, Tiffani.
ReplyDelete