Time does NOT heal all wounds

I might as well begin this post by admitting that I am guilty of using the "time heals all wounds" cliche a time or two in my life. My only excuse is that perhaps, for sure, I must not have had any wound that was of a serious nature. Now with this stage of my life, and all the experiences I've had, I can 100% say without any doubt that time in fact does NOT heal all wounds. Before you think I sound awfully Debbie downer let me finish. I was not shocked and in despair to have the epiphany that time isn't capable of such wonderful healing. Perhaps I would have been if that was all I had realized, or if I had realized it because of a long suffering hurt I'd been inflicted with. But neither of those are true. I came to the realization that time isn't the giver of relief or healing because I experienced true, complete, rejoicing in the glory, healing that came from giving my hurt and pain to the Lord.
No, it's not easy, and yes, there are moments of weakness that I rip control from Him and selfishly hold onto it for a while. Then I usually* wise up and gladly give back the reigns and go back to the peace that comes from knowing He has it all under control.

So why am I writing about wounds you may ask?? Well few knew, but yesterday was in fact the 1 yr anniversary from my ectopic pregnancy loss. On one hand I can't believe that its been a year. It felt like time had stopped when I came home from the hospital no longer pregnant, dreams shattered, scars left physically and emotionally. But on the other it was a relief knowing that time continued and I had been able to pick myself up and carry on knowing that God had whispered His love and perfect timing into my soul and I was able to not drown in the tears I felt consumed by last year.

This doesn't mean I don't see babies the age ours should would have been and feel like I've been punched in the gut. Or when I see a pregnant woman I envy them, or in my ugliest moments- don't want to be around them. (what's the point in being personal if I'm not being completely honest too, right?)

I'm not saying yesterday wasn't a painful reminder of somewhere I've been. But it was a chance to note where I'm at and to realize that they are not the same. Can I just say, hello freedom! If I'm going to talk about how far I've come then I can only turn it into how far He's brought me. The truth is I may not have a baby, ok obviously I don't or I wouldn't be writing this, but God did not leave me empty handed. I have been given peace, faith, support, love, desire for His will over mine (even when mine seems* a lot less painful) and the satisfaction that it is ok to want something but not receive it and that my devotion to Him is in no way dependent upon His fulfillment of my wants. I have found a sweet, precious desire to tell my soul to wait, and to know that the wait is already a part of my journey to having another child. In this loss I was given the ability to abide in Him and although I LOVE being a mother, if all I ever have is that- I'm set.