There's a grief that can't be spoken, there's a pain goes on and on

August 25th, January 7th, January 25th, December 30th, and May 3rd. These dates pass each year without much thought for other people... but for me, they mark the anniversary of a sweet baby leaving my body and entering heaven. They are a dream cut short, a future altered, a pain in my heart that has no measure.They are something else though too. You have to look closely, want to see it, NEED to see it, to survive.

 These 5 dates in my life are something so much more meaningful than anything else I've already said. They are exactly what my God does. They are chances for redemption, opportunities to seek His face, moments to turn to Him and fall into His arms. More than any other struggle I have faced to date, these hardships and the emotions they evoke, are my biggest reminder that God is faithful. He does not leave me, He has not forsaken me. He is not punishing me, nor keeping something good from me. Just the opposite. In the moments when the grief swells, and the sadness consumes, and I'm awake in the pitch dark thinking about the children I thought I'd be raising, God is there. He is not silent, cold, empty. I feel Him all around me, moving thru me, healing me, comforting me. Like the sweetest words ever whispered He covers me with His presence and love. I know without a doubt that the good thing I want (those children) is fleeting compared the the glory of His better thing I've been given...... my relationship with Him.

For reasons I don't need to know, God has given me a bounty of chances to choose him, and I do so joyfully. Could He have used other methods? Sure, but then you don't know me like He does. I'm hard headed, stubborn, just plain ornery. I like to think I have it all figured out and half way executed before others have finished looking at the situation. So God in all His goodness sought me and pursued me with a fury. He wants to be my healer, my comforter, my strength.

4 years into this trying to conceive journey and we are no closer to growing our family than we were at the start. But oh how much closer we are to our Savior, the giver of life. I've written before about how He never leaves me empty handed when a baby is taken, and this is the fullest my hands have ever been. In this complete surrender, hands open, held high, in worship.

40 days of Lent.... What I'm up to...

So although I'm not catholic I was given the opportunity to look at lent outside of catholicism last year. I decided that lent in fact does not just have to be for catholics, or really just for this one set time frame. If at anytime I feel that something is distracting me from God's presence in my life, or an area that He has placed a greater need for on my heart- I in fact can observe the act of lent at anytime. This being said- for now I'm doing it at the same time as others. Last year was my first and I just went all in- I chose an area that I knew I would be able to feel the impact daily. music. Oh how I love music. I was pretty good at mixing up genres regularly but I definitely liked secular stuff a lot. So that's what I gave up- secular music for 40 days. I only listened to christian or classical (during those nice hot baths). I thought it would be hard, I was SO wrong. It was amazing. so amazing. By allowing a huge area that I enjoyed to be solely focused on praising God and remembering His goodness I found myself seeking music more and more. I discovered new artists, new songs and new depths of worship. I watched less tv and sung more. I sought meanings to music, and the scripture it originated from. I sought to experience God more- and I DID! Now that it's been a year I can't believe how much time I used to spend listening to secular music. The topics I'd let fill my mind or the lyrics I'd repeat without even thinking about them. Not that I'm condemning all secular music- I still listen to it and still have a lot of favorites. But I pay closer attention to the subject and lyrics, also to how the music makes me feel, what emotions it evokes and where it leads me. Angry music in fact fuels my anger, attitude songs tend to give me an attitude, love songs make me think of my husband... and so on. I'm also very aware of what my daughter listens to and now assert more control over what she's exposed to. I explain lyrics to her and why we sing praise to God. I still seek Him- and He still shows up every single time.
Given how much last years choice affected me I have put a lot of thought into what I want to "give up" this year. I'm in a different place in my life than last year. At this time last year I was working 5 days a week and had so much time in the car so music was something I had plenty of time to feel the change from. With that in mind, and my walk intensifying as it is I've decided to give up something that is a precious gift taken for granted daily. My time.
What do I mean? I mean that I'm giving God more of my time. This is happening in a few ways. Because I seek a deeper walk with Him and I'm so hungry for more of His truth and how to apply it to my life I've decided to commit to a few things.
1. Finishing the book I'm currently reading- The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace. I am 3/4 through and it is rocking my views of being a godly wife. I've also recently found a study guide for it and I'm going to go back and work through it.
2. Read the 2 new books I just recently purchased (yes I'm addicted to half price books).
   - The Strategy of Satan by Warren W. Wiersbe. This caught my eye on the shelf as I have observed satan attacking a few people I know of and have felt him in my own before.
   - Husbands Who Won't Lead and Wives that Won't Follow- by James Walker. This one is a little hard for me to admit that I'm reading. But this is the reality of where we are at right now. I'm earnestly seeking ways to improve my role as a wife. To allow God to make me the best help mate that my husband could have. In seeking this I must acknowledge that surely there are area's that I'm struggling in.
3. Watching 3 series from Keystone Church before we started attending. Right now I'm downloading the following series : Taste and See- 2 videos (learning to experience the Bible as the LIVING word of God).
Seven Churches- 6 videos (unlocking the church according to the Bible). Jesus Loves- 6 videos (how God loves even the worst of us and me at my worst). This is actually just the start- I have several other series I'd like to view, including: High Fidelity (on marriage), This Preacher Likes to Dance (on how to have the abundant life God sent to us through your church) and Loosing My Religion (all about how church has become a dead place and how to fight against it). Ok those are my summaries... if you'd like to look into any of these or follow them with me check out www.keystonechurch.com.
4. Keep a prayer journal and a "He speaks to me" journal. So the prayer journal is pretty self explanatory- I'm not planning on writing out my prayers- just the things, people, situations, etc. that I'm praying for and any movement I see in those areas. The "He speaks to me" journal is for recording areas that I need to remember daily that He spoke to me. Jesus Christ is everywhere in my life right now- I feel Him overflowing out of my heart and I'm working on becoming more aware of all He does around me, for me, inside of me.

So there's the plan. All written out it may seem like a lot- but luckily- God's given me a lot of time. Being a stay at home mom is such a blessing. Since my daughter goes to bed @ 9 and I'm up til 12ish that gives me plenty of time to embrace this commitment. I'm so excited to see who I am on the other side of these next 40 days. Praise be to the Holy Father for working in my life and inspiring me to seek Him more. He has placed such a hunger inside of me and I'm truly praying it is never satiated. This hunger fuels me- and each step I take closer to Him feels like leaps and bounds from the person I used to be. He is truly creating in me a new being and it's wonderful. Won't you please pray for me during this time. Thanks :o)

And then came Sunday

If elated would best describe my feelings writing that last post, then..... defeated, would probably sum up my feelings writing this one. As my luck goes, and time has proven this to be true, wouldn't you know it but on Sunday I started spotting. and cramping. I immediately put myself on bed rest, stopping on the way home from church only for another pregnancy test. It was so barely positive that anyone less experienced at reading those things would have thought it was negative for sure. I panicked, I cried, I plead and I prayed. Then I hung around in bed with a dear friend and ate (shared) 2 different types of ice cream sundaes, playing the what if game and trying to find rest in the Lord. I stopped bleeding late that night and finally fell asleep after midnight.
Then I awoke at 4:32 am (yea, it's a time you don't forget..) to find very large amounts of blood and clots signaling, undoubtedly, the start of (another) miscarriage. Que massive amounts of tears. After seeing my doc that Monday and getting blood work results it was confirmed (as if a woman doesn't know her own body right?) to be a miscarriage. So where do I go from there?

Well, I had 2 choices, as you generally do in life, in every circumstance, draw near to God, or push Him away. I've done enough of the latter in my life to know that it is never the wise choice and that inevitably I'm going to come to my senses and crawl back to my Savior. However, knowing the correct choice and skipping along happily to it, are two very different things. Just because I know that the best medicine for a broken heart is the Healer doesn't mean I'm happy to request His services. Yes, I'm admitting it, I'm still broken (SHOCKER!). I spent alot of time reliving the prior 11 days, remembering the emotions and all the joy we felt in telling people. (as my luck would also have it, we had bodly announced the pregnancy to our entire world, a.k.a. facebook, the day before.)  So now we had to do this complete about face and turn joy into sadness and heart swell into heartache.... or did we? Here's where "walk by faith" and "count it all joy" can get tricky.
In my miscarriage, God was no less powerful, no less able to complete a good work or off schedule. He still was my Most High, my mighty fortress and the on time God He has always been. I just didn't realize His work, being done through this pregnancy, would be so short. In truth, the 10 days we were able to relish being pregnant were a mighty gift in themself. God did not have to bless us with those precious days. He did not have to plant a small life in my womb and let me experience that love again. God didn't, doesn't, will never, owe me a single thing. He gave me the only gift I ever needed on Calvary. So, with that being remembered, we have taken the lighter path of drawing closer to Him.
I recently posted about my new gift (again from HIM that I did NOT deserve) of being able to abide in Him in the waiting to get pregnant. I am still able to abide in Him, the scenery is just different. I'm no less abiding in Him through a miscarriage as I was in the wait. I am firmly planted at the seat of His throne taking in the healing that only comes from being near the Healer. The very presence of Him in my heart and soul has been quietly calming my fear, doubt, anger and anguish since the moment this sweet pregnancy began to end.
And again, He left me with another gift, He's so amazing to continuously do this, I have the joy in anticipating the next pregnancy He will bless me with, and knowing that He already has that life planned out. I do not question IF I will get pregnant again, I only look forward to WHEN. I'm so thankful to have received such nourishing support from so many sweet people in our lives. God truly sent words through so many friends and family that He knew we would need to hear. This is a process, and we are fully aware that it takes time. Just last night while settling into bed I quietly whispered to my husband, "I just can't believe I'm really not pregnant anymore", and he just sweetly said, "I know, me either". I'm going to struggle at times to want a reason, God knows the reason and that's enough for me, and to wish that things went differently, who wouldn't want a life to still be growing inside of them? But I'm not battling God for my life, it's HIS and HIS alone.