There's a grief that can't be spoken, there's a pain goes on and on

August 25th, January 7th, January 25th, December 30th, and May 3rd. These dates pass each year without much thought for other people... but for me, they mark the anniversary of a sweet baby leaving my body and entering heaven. They are a dream cut short, a future altered, a pain in my heart that has no measure.They are something else though too. You have to look closely, want to see it, NEED to see it, to survive.

 These 5 dates in my life are something so much more meaningful than anything else I've already said. They are exactly what my God does. They are chances for redemption, opportunities to seek His face, moments to turn to Him and fall into His arms. More than any other struggle I have faced to date, these hardships and the emotions they evoke, are my biggest reminder that God is faithful. He does not leave me, He has not forsaken me. He is not punishing me, nor keeping something good from me. Just the opposite. In the moments when the grief swells, and the sadness consumes, and I'm awake in the pitch dark thinking about the children I thought I'd be raising, God is there. He is not silent, cold, empty. I feel Him all around me, moving thru me, healing me, comforting me. Like the sweetest words ever whispered He covers me with His presence and love. I know without a doubt that the good thing I want (those children) is fleeting compared the the glory of His better thing I've been given...... my relationship with Him.

For reasons I don't need to know, God has given me a bounty of chances to choose him, and I do so joyfully. Could He have used other methods? Sure, but then you don't know me like He does. I'm hard headed, stubborn, just plain ornery. I like to think I have it all figured out and half way executed before others have finished looking at the situation. So God in all His goodness sought me and pursued me with a fury. He wants to be my healer, my comforter, my strength.

4 years into this trying to conceive journey and we are no closer to growing our family than we were at the start. But oh how much closer we are to our Savior, the giver of life. I've written before about how He never leaves me empty handed when a baby is taken, and this is the fullest my hands have ever been. In this complete surrender, hands open, held high, in worship.